Becoming me again

4 Years Later...

2009-07-08T14:05:00.002+09:30

Wow, I accidentally stumbled on my old blog- this blog all this time later. I've read it. Re familiarized myself with my old life and basically spun myself out more than a little bit on how far I have come!
I felt the need to comment on this, but also to update you on what has transpired. I can see now, that my past blogs were rather intense, yes, I am still a very intense person, so I figured if I was so in depth then, I should continue the tradition. I don't think I know anyone who would check this blog anymore, my audience are literally virtual strangers now.
I have always felt the need to express my thoughts so here goes:

Today, now, several years later, I am 30 years of age. I work in the same line of business, but I have a job I like now (most days). I still suffer from mild anxiety and occasional depression, but I am still free from any medication and I manage it as best I can. I still manage to largely live a normal life.

I am now divorced, I live on the coast in NSW, leaving my husband and the QLD experience far behind. Obviously, that meant my life changed enormously, but I still feel for the better.
I am lonely though a lot of the time, but it's my choice to be alone and to find myself. I believe when I am single, alone and totally happy with that, then I will be ready for the right person to come into my life. I'm still waiting.

I live in a beautiful home I bought all by myself with my own blood sweat and tears. I have built a whole new life for myself after leaving QLD and most of the time I am happy.
I still find it very hard to form attachments and connections with people. I'm now the girl that everyone thinks is fun and outgoing, but I just don't get close to people anymore. I think that's just a repercussion of a messy divorce and having to start my life over so many times.
Throughout the divorce, I very nearly lost the plot a few times. But I can say that I manged to survive that period without going back onto any drugs. So it can be done if the will to survive is strong enough.

I work hard, play hard, although I feel now that I am 30 I need to start acting my age. I've started going out less and less and try to follow persuits that are more gentle on the body and spirit. I managed to loose all of the weight, but only after I left a bad marriage and started to rebuild my life. I now go to the gym 3-6 times a week, depending on what else is going on and try to replace the bottle with healthy habbits. It doesn't always work and I definately still drink to much. But thats survival to me somedays.

Something in me has changed. I now tackle my fears instead of cowering from them. For example, I always wanted to sing, but suffer terrible anxiety and produce some freakish barely audiable sound most of the time.
I took myself to a local pub when I first moved down here (by myself) and started singing Karaoke. It was there I was able to form the bridges to build my self esteem again. I also met a guy who turned out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but thats all part of the journey too and probably best left unsaid. From there, I was able to start singing, the huge purr in my chest and massive axiety got less and less as my confidence grew. I think started auditioning for local theatre groups and have done a few musical productions. Let me tell you, THAT is total shitting yourself material! I just get so damn nervous. But I have proved to myself I can do it.

So now, thats how I live my life. If I am frightened of it, I try to embrace it.
Yes, I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am so determined not to let it get the better of me. I choose Life here.

I am glad I have rediscovered this blog of mine. I will probably start writing again, I've missed it.
I don't care what people say or think of me, but I will read your comments if you leave them.
This year, right now, I am facing the challenge of loosing my father to cancer. He is running out of time and I am trying so hard to keep it together. So the journey continues for me, I'm just not sure where the path leads.

Signing off

2005-04-01T11:23:00.000+09:30

Well, this is goodbye to the existance I have lived in this chair, looking at this computer, in this building, town, city, state. YEAH BABY!

Today is my last day here and I am jumping for joy I tells ya.

It's odd that this part of my life has come to an end. I told my love yesterday that I really wished things had worked out for us here.
But they didn't, no use crying over spilt milk as they say.

So off I go to seek new adventures. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure when I will write again, because as of today I am an unemployed bum.

Goodbye Canberra.

2005-03-24T10:45:00.000+10:30

It's only 1 week to go until I finish up at my job, YAY! I am so damn excited. Can't wait.
I realized that I will not be blogging for a little while after this, so I must endeavour to add as many entries as I can over the next week - Bring on the blog therapy!

Theres a couple of things I wanted to raise in this blog:

Firstly I wanted to refer to an article I read this morning in the Financial Review entitled "The Challenge of Post-materialism", by Richard Eckersley.
Essentially this article states : "we live in the happiest, healthiest and most peaceful era in human history". And if now was good, it argued, the future would be even better. The belief that we live in the best of all times has been most famously and controversially articulated in recent years by Danish academic Bjorn Lomborg in his 2001 book The Skeptical Environmentalist: Measuring the real state of the world. That we live in such a "blessed" era is usually credited to material prosperity resulting from economic growth. "

Obviously, the Australian government believes wholly and completely that if we are to prosper and be a happy peaceful nation we need to assert our economic dominance.

I find this argument to be flawed. Firstly, I think it is extremely ignorant to assume that economic wealth automatically brings happiness and peace.
Secondly I do not agree that we are living in the happiest, healthiest and peaceful time.
Depression is at an all time high, health issues are constantly arising that reflect the stresses and pollutants we are subject to everyday, such as Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. As for peace? Please. I have never heard such crap.

Interesting though, that someone would see this as being a time of peace, prosperity and happiness. Are they just predicting the inevitable revoloution? Do they know our time is running out?

What do you think?

I forget what the second Blog issue was... damn my memory!

Moving right along

2005-03-22T11:29:00.000+10:30

Well, things are really starting to happen with our move. We spent the first part of the weekend visiting my Dad. As usual, this was not a perfect visit. I do love my Dad, but he is an alcoholic and spent most of it pissed.
I actually got really upset because we all went to a bbq and left in seperate cars. I took Bill, my brother and Dad and Scott left in Dad's car. They turned up 3 hours later, drunker.
Dad couldn't understand why I was upset. I told him it was his last opportunity to spend time with me for a while and he chose to go to the pub instead.
I lay on the couch pretenting to watch a movie with my brother, just trying to hide the tears from falling. Years of having this sort of relationship with my Dad doesn't make it any easier and it all came flooding back to me, like I was a child again.

Anyway, I have no doubts that he has forgotten it, but he felt really bad and told me I was right. He confessed to being a terrible father, but said he loves me like mad.

The irony of this is amazing. A drunken confession of love and neglect can't make up for the lost years, and yet how can I keep my love from him? I can't change him. I just have to accept him. I have struggled for years with this.

Anyway, enough about that. My blog is turning into emotional guff.

I have to book my ticket to Brisbane today. For some reason I have been putting this off. I suppose it's just the finality of it all.
I'm also really nervous about arriving there without Scott. I'll be there for days by myself.
Despite my promise to stress less, I am a stress ball!!!
Some things will never change.

On a lighter note, I am going to be a bridesmaid! yay! my best friend Emma is getting married. Am so excited because she is awesome and he is awesome and that's just what you want for your friends. Just wish I could see her more often.

Must plot to be rich.... very very rich indeed... so I can fly everywhere and see everyone and do everything!

2005-03-17T16:04:00.000+10:30

You know what? I really hate fucking Microsoft.
I know that's quite a harsh statement from such a sweet little girl such as myself, but I really do.
No sooner had I finished my last blog entry It decided to crash once again. Now I have to try to replicate the thousand something words and raw emotion I was feeling at the time at another time.

Damn you Microsoft. You have us bloggers by the balls and you don't care who knows it.

Whose there?

2005-03-17T13:22:00.000+10:30

Yesterday, I was broken into.
Shit the fuck. It totally sucks. The ironic thing is it appears they/he/she didn't actually take anything. I don't even think things were moved or ruffled.
I came home and had a normal evening by myself, Scott was doing his last trip away before we move. I watched some TV, drank some wine, did the usual. I decided to go to bed and that's when I found it. The blinds looked ruffled. Now Canberra is very bloody cold, so I thought I should shut the window.
Low and behold, the window was smashed in a nice neat little rectangle (just big enough to fit a hand through) right next to the latch. The window was open. The window was closed when I left for work. The flyscreen was seriously broken and on the other side of the yard and there was a mallet next to the window.
Now, having been a person who suffered from anxiety and panic attacks I was suprisingly calm.
Had it just happened? I don't think so, surely I would have heard it...
I called the cops and did a report. They didn't send anyone out because it had appeared they had not taken anything, so could not prove they had been in our house. This frustrates me somewhat as clearly the window had been broken with a mallet and it was open. This implies someone had been in and poked around my house.
I think the saving grace was the fact that both front and back doors were dead-bolted so they could not escape with anything unless it was through the same window.

I'm quite angry. Angry that someone would just do that. Did they actually come into my house? Look at my pictures? Is all of my underwear still there? Did they jizz on my bed?

I'm trying not to think the worst, but these are some thoughts running through my head.
I didn't sleep at home last night. I stayed with my mate Ben (god love ya Ben).

Anyway, definately a new experience for me and one I do not wish to duplicate ever again.
So, Scott will be home tonight on my request. Then I will feel safe and warm again.

I tell you, when you don't feel safe in your own house something is really very wrong.

Stupid Angry so Mad Argh!

2005-03-16T14:41:00.000+10:30

ok, for once, this entry is not about me.
Now, we all know I have alot of free time at work... and generally I try to use this time to keep me from going insane.
I have been researching and discovering the absoloute totalitarian bull-shit attitude of man, specifically, western society towards the fellow creatures that walk this earth and in truth, I am ashamed to be human.
Now, without going into the numerous practices that we humans inflict on the various creatures and critters of the world because we can, I think it's really important to note that I am not a "hippy" and I don't often get involved in causes I see as being futile, so please read on.

I do think the time has come for each and every person to take control of the situation and put an end to the abominable treatment of our "meat". I believe it's our responsibility to do so.

Firstly, I would like to argue that we cannot all be vegetarians and I am not offering this as a soloution. It's just not ever going to happen. I do agree that we eat far too much meat as a society but I am in no way advocating the abolition of meat on our menues.

Having said that, my cause is about how we treat the animals while they are alive. If you were to be given figures of just how many animals we breed and kill all for the purposes of food, you would cringe. I wonder if any other society in the history of the world and universe has had such blatant disregard for life?

If you are at all interested in the topic, I suggest you check out this website. It's nothing over the top, nothing excessively gory, it's just fact and it's something everyone should see for themselves. You have a responsibility to be accountable here.

I also refer to this article regarding Australia resuming live animal trade with Kuwait. Anyone who has not been living under a rock in Australia knows what happend to more than 50,000 sheep on route to Saudi Arabia onboard the Cormo Express. People were outraged. Why? because it was all over the news, they couldn't avoid it, or ignore it, or pretend it wasn't happening. I see this to be the foremost issue regarding meat production- People just don't want to know, they want to happily eat their roast and not think about it.

My most horrific experience in my research of meat production has been the issue of intensive farming, prodominantly pigs. I am revolted by the concept and absoloutly dumbfounded that it occurs. Almost all pork products you buy are intensively farmed. These animals are kept in cages so small they cannot move, cannot see daylight or fresh air or feel the soil and most importantly, they cannot be allowed to live as pigs.
For those of you who think pigs are just animals, your right. But they can think and feel and have been proven to be extremely intelligent, some even suggest they surpass dogs in intellect and ability to feel emotion.

I argue that even if they are just dumb pigs, they deserve to live as dumb pigs and not have a life of torture and abuse in the quest for cheaper meat.

What I propose are small changes for individuals.
Do not buy pork unless it has been certified organic.
Do not buy chicken unless it's marked as free-range (available at supermarkets)
Do not buy battery hen eggs (supermarkets)
Do not turn away from this issue. We are the only people who are able to change this.

We are the consumers.

We hold the power.

I know I can't change the world, but I can get fucking angry and try.
I am so so sad.

And Again...

2005-03-16T11:07:00.000+10:30

It's been a good week since I have been here on this little jo world. Not a great deal has happened. The situation seems to be in hand with the move.... I am going to be leaving and arriving in Brisbane in exactly 3 weeks today. Scott has been great, really taken control of the situation and has organized most things.
I'm flying up a few days before he will arrive, that will be a little strange, I must admit.
"Hi my husbands parents, here I am...to live with you...hope you don't hate me too soon for my numerous quirky habbits" ahh I dunno.

I have come to the conclusion that I stress far too much. Must learn to stress less.
From now on, I am total chill out Jo who doesn't care much about anything. I am going to be un-employed in 2.5 weeks and I don't care!
I am moving in with virtual strangers who are family and it's all good!

Are you convinced yet?

2005-03-07T09:50:00.000+10:30

What a shite weekend. Really. Started off fine, the final lazy weekend my husband and I could enjoy together before the moving business starts, you know, visiting family, packing, cleaning- that sort of thing. Friday night was cool, had a few drinks and watched some TV. Sat was nice, it was really cold and I just wanted to stay in, so we did. I decided I wanted to go out on Saturday night to see a band I liked. We tried to get some friends to come with us, but as usual, no one could come. We were cooking dinner and we'd had a few drinks when Scott decided to have some smoke. Stupidly I thought it might be fun. It was horrible. I hardly had any, but it sent me into a fully fledged panic attack. So there I was, convulsing uncontrollably in bed wacked from wine, J and the sedative I have to take to stop my heart from leaping out of my chest. I fell asleep at 8.30. I woke up sunday feeling awful. I feel awful still today.

I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I admit I am concerned. Maybe it's the left-overs from that experience or something a little more sinister. I don't know if I express it in my blog (which I DONT write in everyday) but I am up and down like a lunatic. It's been a little over 3 weeks since I have been Aropax free, sometimes I feel great, sometimes quite the opposite.
I am worried that I am now depressed. I find it really hard to wake up, I cry at the drop of a hat, I anger easily (especially at my poor husband). I have cried twice this morning already, and it's not even 10am. The first time was some arsehole who decided to cut me off driving and gave ME the finger!!! Psycho. The second was after having a brief conversation with Scott, in which I told him I feel so stressed I just want to go and stay with my Mum until we decide to move.
And the move... why all of a sudden am I panicked at the thought? Why can't I just be positive.
I know there's alot of changes going on for me but my question is now that the drug haze has lifted and I am left with my real true feelings, am I infact depressed? Do I now need to take Prozac? I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life like this... I won't be able to cope with anything much. I have worked so fucking hard to be rid of drugs, only to find that I need another?

This is crazy......

Panic sets in!

2005-03-04T14:46:00.000+10:30

Well, plans are moving along to move. Scott gave notice today, quit his job, 4 weeks time. I will also be finishing up then too, although I have not embarked on the finality that is resigning. Don't get me wrong, everyone knows I am leaving here, including my boss, who was so quick to tell me that I had told everyone except for him, jackass.

Anyway, I am not entirely sure how I feel about this now. The costs of the move are mounting up and I am getting stressed about it. We have to borrow the cash from Scott's folks to move there, after the wedding we are just so broke. This doesn't sit quite right with me and yet I know that it's the only way we can get ahead the way that we need to.

It's true, I will welcome the change but I am going into unknown territory, isn't it right I should feel a little apprehensive?
It's fine for Scott, he's going home. For me- daunting, Living with your husband's parents at a time when we should be living in our own house. We've had ample opportunity to buy a house, espcially in today's consumer world, where you don't even need a deposit to get a home. But I really want to travel. I want to see the world before I settle down for the mortgage, white picket fence and 2.3 kids. I guess my fear is that we will be no better off.
I am also afraid of the unknown. I have only ever been to Brisbane 3 times. I know it's a nice place, I just wonder if we will become stuck in a rutt there too.
Anyway, must remember to remain positive. No sense in stressing about things that could be.
*sigh* It's going to all be fine.

Isn't it?

The End?

2005-03-03T14:34:00.000+10:30

Well, it seems a little pointless continuing my blog now, although I don't know if the journey is completely over just yet.
I still have alot of weight to loose from my horrible bloating little pills and I am about to embark on a massive transformation within my life in more ways that one.
I'm just not sure what to write anymore. Perhaps I should start a new blog?

Freedom

2005-02-28T12:42:00.000+10:30

Hallelujah!!! It's happened. I am now Aropax Free, entirely. It's been roughly 10 days since I last had any of the drug. I survived an awesome weekend, no withdrawals to speak of and no panic attacks. So ladies and gentleman, from this I have concluded that I am free. I have achieved the treasure at the end of the tunnel and passed through the nightmare.

For anyone else reading this take heart and be brave. You can do it. This whole blog is an entire testamont to the fact that it can be done.

I can tell it's out of my system now... am actually starting to loose weight!

Have also made a huge decision. Scott and I are moving to Brisbane (from Canberra) in only 6 weeks. It's going to be awesome and I think now that I have a new life of sorts I want to be able to start afresh, need something to shake it up a bit. I told my boss today (not officially giving notice, just the heads up) and it was AWESOME!
I seriously reccommend everyone quit their jobs. Total chaos, could be fun? ;)

2005-02-23T09:30:00.000+10:30

Well, I think it's safe to assume yesterday was a pretty bad day.....
Today is feeling a little better. After struggling with myself to actually get myself to work, it hasn't been too bad.
I did have head spins yesterday, and a couple of phenominal head zaps. I also found I was once again quite sensitive to sounds.
But, It has been a little over a week now and all of the research I have done has lead me to believe that it should last a maximum of 2 weeks.

I'm really trying to be more positive about things... I'm not sure if it's working tho...

Go away

2005-02-22T10:10:00.000+10:30

Oh God, I can't do a fucking thing right today. Does anyone else wanna have a go at me?

Today is Tuesday, I had yesterday off as I mentioned, because I suspected my withdrawal was going to hit me over the weekend... and it did.
It wasn't so bad, but I did become quite anxious at times which frightened the hell out of me.
We didn't have to go anywhere or do much this weekend, so it was a good thing. My head zaps have basically stopped but only to be replaced by visual disturbances. My vision keeps jumping and I am seeing things out of the corner of my eyes that are not there. I find this particularly interesting as I was not a fruit loop before I took the meds.

Am feeling like the world is closing in on me and the fact that it should have been my oyster is quite self destroying. I am so tired of people telling me "Chin up" or "just think positive" when the fact of the matter is thinking positive has gotten me here today. It's not a choice I can make and have it happen, it's not a switch I can just flick and all of a sudden I'm some fucking stepford wife. Life doesn't work like that.

Moreover, I am learning that people who I thought were my friends don't actually want to know about this. After all this, I finally realize that they don't care.. They only care when things are good and you can get them to laugh. How many of you, my "friends" have I sent this to, NOT out of self-indulgence, or want of self pity, but out of humiliation and the need to explain my actions and why I am the way that I am. How many of you actually want to see this? How many of you will actually read this and come to understand a little more? I estimate one at most. I am a much sadder girl than I had realized.

2005-02-18T09:35:00.001+10:30

Well, today is day 4 and it's looking pretty good. I still have head zaps, and dizzyness, but overall, I am feeling quite spritely today. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's friday??
yay for Friday!!!
On the withdrawal side of things, I don't really have alot to report. On a personal note, am still feeling a little fuzzy, am starting to wonder if I am just a fuzzy kinda person?
I have decided that I am not all that interesting. Basically, I don't do much more than go to and from work, drink and smoke. I don't seem to have any passion anymore. I want to be albe to enjoy my Aropax drug free life, but I don't seem to be motivated to do so.
If you have any suggestions out there about finding yourself or your passions, let me know.

2005-02-18T09:35:00.000+10:30

Day 3-Zero

2005-02-17T12:57:00.000+10:30

Oh god, I feel like ground zero today (bound to get a response from any American's who happen to stumble upon my humble blog). I went to bed really early last night, 9pm and slept terribly. I feel so damn tired. I even woke at one point with a head zap. What I mean is that the f#%^&ing head zap actually woke me. It was nasty.
My eyes are having trouble with focusing, as in my vision is jumpy. It's not pleasant by any means, but I am coping. It's day 3. I was really hoping I would have no withdrawals for this final bit, but no such luck.
The BIGGEST thing still, is no anxiety, specifically, no panic attacks.
I'm going to try to take monday off work, because It think that I will be worse days 5-7 (historically this has been the case).
Irritability is at an all time high. I just want to fuck up everyone I see. I want to yell and scream and I feel suprisingly numb and hazy for one who is Aropax free.

I'll update tomorrow.

Wow

2005-02-16T11:08:00.000+10:30

Well I am overjoyed to announce that today is my second day completely free from taking Aropax. After a gruelling few months of tapering down and concequently suffering withdrawals every week, this is the last. The End. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it?!
I didn't write yesterday, largely because I stumbled upon a website http://www.rense.com/general/pro.htm

This basically is an extract from a book called "Prozac: Panacea or Pandora?". It was amazing to read it and if you have any interest in the reasons I have been going through withdrawal and just why I am so bitter towards the Pharmaceutical companies and the Doctors who hand out meds like they are candy, I suggest you definately read it. If you can't be bothered, and largely to re-iterate to myself what I found, I will paste some exerpts:

"So why are we now in the 90's being told that increased serotonin is good for us? Is it because it is good for the pocketbooks of the manufacturers? One manufacturer is running full page newspaper and magazine ads and half hour TV infomercials to bring in over $7 million daily, while on the other hand they are settling Prozac suicide cases for huge amounts of money in exchange for silence from victim's families on the details of those settlements. The silence in the court cases insures that the drug will be allowed to finish out its patent time, thus bringing in the highest possible profits for the company. They know that with $7 million coming in daily, they can afford to settle a large number of lawsuits and still come out "smelling like a rose" financially. Eli Lilly has been sued for Prozac related deaths in numerous state and federal courts with most of these cases being settled or dismissed - many were dismissed due to the unethical manipulation of the Wesbecker verdict"
I love this one. It basically confirms what I been saying, that we are making the fatcats richer by giving into our insecurites and frustrations with modern life, by looking for that quick fix to why we are feeling blue. Don't get me wrong, I know more than anyone that sometimes there is no alternative, but for most people, they do not need these drugs, they are and most definately should be a last resort.

Anyway, this one really made me feel good about myself. Only because it's something I have battled with since being on this drug:

"ARCHIVES OF GENERAL PSYCHIATRY, Vol. 51, Issue 11, pgs 898-911, 1994 demonstrated that an increase in brain levels of either of two neurotransmitters, serotonin or noradrenalin, produces: #1 a craving for alcohol, #2 anger, #3 anxiety. They found this to be especially true for those who have a history of alcoholism. An increase serotonin in turn increases noradrenalin. Numerous reports have been made by reformed alcoholics who are being "driven" to alcohol again after being prescribed a serotonergic drug. And many other patients who had no previous history of alcoholism have continued to report an "overwhelming compulsion" to drink while using these drugs. "
Having come from a long line of alcoholics, I found myself very much craving drink, more so than ever, and I am drinking enough to kill a small horse these days. Who would have thought it? I just assumed it was because I was unhappy in my surroundings (ie, canberra) but I really do believe there is something more than that.

Another intersting webiste www.drugawareness.org explains just how SSRI's effect your brain and the truth is scary people.

Anyway, without too much more raving, I am truly glad I found this website, and that there are others just like it that exist. Moreover, I am glad that I am free from this drug. It's not been easy and I have the eery feeling it's not over yet, but I am there as far as I am concerned.
Most exciting thought is the prospect of my metabolism returning to normal and the kilos I have piled on falling off me. I hope that happens bloody soon, so I can wear clothes that fit me again!

I'll try to update tomorrow, if my brain has not turned to mush in the meantime.

Cheerio.

The winds of change

2005-02-14T10:58:00.000+10:30

Well, it has begun. The fiesty little no bull-shit person I remember myself as being is starting to emerge. It's fascinating to watch really.
The weekend (including friday) proved to be a real catalyst for change. After merrily writing away at my blog on friday i was confronted with some serious fears. I mentioned the fear of marriage being like post-natal depression, but I basically had another mini-meltdown only this time it was different. This time I was actually able to indentify the source of my unhappiness and decide to take action (thanks Em). I realized that I am totally fucking unhappy in every single way with my life in Canberra. I don't even like my house anymore. God I loved that house.
I just feel like I am being suffocated here, in a life that I don't want and can't escape from. So, we have decided to move to Brisbane. Something that I half-arsed decided with Scott over christmas. I want out. No, not to run away, I know all too well that problems follow you. I want out for my sanity. I am so tired of be stagnant and frustrated. I can't just expect the world to meander my fogged up head to each direction it needs to go, I am going to do that for myself.
So yah, it was amazing. Such a weight off my shoulders for several reasons, obviously, actually deciding to get out of this place, but also have the balls to make such a decision and to execute it.

Am so fidgetty today, am waiting for Scott to hear back from a company that have sort of offered him a job in Bris. If all goes well, they will pay for us to move there. And life will be alot easier for that transition period.
Please life... all go well.

Anyway, enough of that. On a good note, I am still on 2.5mg and looking to drop to the big zero either tomorrow or the next day. I shall keep you posted.

2005-02-11T10:45:00.000+10:30

Hello Blog World,

What happens when you have post-natal depression? I mean, what really happens? Is it the whole idea of something coming along and changing your life and not quite being as you expected?
Well, I ask this because I wonder if there is a similar syndrome with marriage. Where you build your whole life (regardless of whether you mean to or not) to this whole ideal of meeting "the one" and living happily ever after. Is it normal to have feelings of doubt and fear after you actually make this committment to someone? I don't know. But I do wonder if there is such a thing, and whether it's common like Post natal depression.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I know when I last spoke I said I was doing great with my Aropax withdrawal, and I guess I still am. You can probably tell from my forlorn tone that I am a little down. Why? I don't know. Probably a whole bunch of events and feelings and frustrations with my life right now.
Anyway, I decied to stay on 5mg for the entire week. Well, I went to 2.5 on Tuesday, 5 on Wednesday and 2.5 thurs and friday. I am now just starting to get so damn frustrated with the whole process I want to speed it up as much as I can.
Number one plus in my life right now, is that I have had no panic attacks. It's amazing. For those of you who don't know, this is the reason I was prescibed the drug.
It's also one of the major side effects when you withdraw, so as you can imagine, a fairly nail biting topic for me.
Aside from this, I am on the journey to try to budge some of the weight I piled on from my meds. I will find out tomorrow whether I have actually lost anything this week. Fingers crossed for me. BUT, I do know I have lost 1cm around my kneck and a couple from my thighs. YAY! Better than a kick in the pants. (altought, depends whose kicking!)
Anyway, tomorrow is the weekend, FABULOUS. Love weekends. We have nothing much to do which is good and bad. Good because I am terrible at keeping committments and bad because I will go bored and probably turn to the bottle. Must not self medicate myself with alcohol.
But why is it so fun!!
So, with that, I will say have a good weekend, and next week going to be the big ZERO. Oh my god, 0-mg of crazy meds. Hold onto your computer seats fellow geeks. It's going to be quite a week.

Weekend

2005-02-07T13:15:00.000+10:30

Well, I made it. I'm a survivor. Not in a Beyonce way, more like a Kelly Rowland kinda way (love those gals).
Anyway, weekend was absoloute shit house. It started of GREAT. Scott and I were feeling great, so we had some drinkie poo's on friday night, stayed up really late talking, like the good old days. So right there, that's it (glug, glug, glug). My saturday morning is not going to be wonderful. We had to go see Mum, she's about 2.5 hours drive from us, but I felt so awful. Scott tried to cancel as I slept it off, but Mum wouldn't take no for an answer....
So there you go. We went to Woollongong. Nice time actually, just wish I had felt human.

Have noticed I am able to stay up much later than in the past. But, I have to say, those well publicised flu like systems that I have read about hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. Hard core!!! Not so bad today though. It seems that days 4-6 are the worst.

So, we decided last night I should stick to 5mg for at least another week. It's so close I can taste it. ARGH!!!!!

Now

2005-02-04T13:08:00.000+10:30

Well, that brings us to now.
I haven't been sincere with you blog world... there is much I have omitted and much I should have said... but we'll leave that for another time.

Here are some bits from my journal this morning:

WOW- It’s really been some time since I have written here. A little over 2 weeks.
Let me fill you in on what’s been happening. Chaos. Absolute chaos. In my mind and my body. But I AM making real progress.
Since I last wrote, almost immediately, I had 3 days off work. I was quite ill, mostly with the head zaps and dizziness, but also with emotion. The emotional side effects had started, even though I wasn’t all that aware of them at the time.
I had successfully cut down to 10mg, and up until 3 days ago, was quite stable on it.
Today is Friday. On Wednesday, I took 7.5 mg. Yes, I actually managed to cut a quarter of a pill in half! Astonishing!!
I was fine, so yesterday I took 5mg. A small amount of head spinning, but nothing in comparison to what I went through earlier. I am however, quite sensitive to sounds, to noises that seem to burrow through my head and it’s almost like pain. Very weird. Seems to hit me at night time when I am tired though.
This morning, another 5mg, so far so good. Am so excited at the prospect that I have successfully weened down to 5mg, knowing it’s not far from here.
Physically, I am actually doing pretty good. I have a little toilet issue, and a headache, but I can easily attribute that to the wine I drank last night.

Now, to elaborate on what things have been going on in my head. This week in particular has been tough. I have been so very depressed, feeling like why should I bother, and seriously having issues with just about everything. Poor Scott (husband) bore the brunt of a lot of it. And It’s like I am starting to feel again. I don’t feel as tired and wishy washy about things, I am feeling emotions I have not felt for some time.

Last night I turned a corner I think. I stopped wanting to blame everyone and everything else around me and realized that I am a strong person, I can do anything I want

Anyway, I will continue with my 5mg dose over the weekend and then go for 0 next week. If I suffer withdrawals, I know I can always cut my 5mg in half (or close enough!) Apparently the last 5mg is the hardest, but for me I think it will be the easiest. I have already made up my mind to succeed and in my mind, I am already there. Talk to you on Monday.

Day 12

2005-02-04T13:07:00.002+10:30

Day 12 15mg (18/01/05)

Well, you really notice the difference between 10mg and 15mg. I am all over the shop again this morning. Very irritable, VERY dizzy. Hopefully this won’t last all day. Had some crazy ass dreams last night. I forgot how vivid and scary your dreams are when you’re on withdrawal. There was some kind of dog like creature trying to kill me. God it was frightening. And the worst thing is that your so out of it with tiredness and zonked out, that you can’t wake yourself up enough to stop the dreams. Going to get another coffee…..am so tired.

Day 11

2005-02-04T13:07:00.001+10:30

Day 11 10mg (17/01/05)
Well, here we go again. So not looking forward to this…back to 10mg for a day. Hope I can cope. All seems ok so far.

Day 10

2005-02-04T13:07:00.000+10:30

Day 10 15mg (16/01/05)
Not so bad today. A little tired and cranky, but ok. Had flu symptoms by 10am in the morning, felt so ill. Took some Echinacea and felt quite a bit better.

Day 9 15mg

2005-02-04T13:06:00.000+10:30

Stinking hot day, was very ill, head spins were insane, felt at times that I had a fever

Day 8 (Edited Version)

2005-02-04T13:05:00.000+10:30

Wow, major dizziness this morning. Am feeling very crap. Have been to the loo 4 times already. Not good. My poor ass. Hopefully bumping back up to 15mg today will make me feel better. Will go for 10mg either tomorrow or the next day and just gradually keep alternating until I am on that dose.

God, it’s almost 2pm and I feel just awful. And I have a job interview at 4pm. Why do I do this to myself. As part of my psycho personality at the moment, I totally cracked it at work yesterday and decided to apply for a job where they need someone ASAP. Of corse, this is very unwise as I am barely comprehendible today and I am sure it’s only the beginning of this horrid process. How can I have days off when I am sick in a new job, which requires me to be alert and busy?
Maureen (colleague at work) pointed out that I would probably cope better at work if I were busy. God I hope she is right.Another 3 trips to the toilet since this morning and just took some aspirin for my head.

Day 7

2005-02-04T13:01:00.000+10:30

Day 7- 10mg (13/01/05)
Well, I felt better today, so I decided to go for half a pill. 10 mg. It was pretty much an ok day. Got really frustrated at work, and decided to apply for other jobs, found myself very angry. No massive head spins, lots of toilet trips though. Another early night.

Now for some history

2005-02-04T12:56:00.000+10:30

This is my diary.... it's sort of kept me sane up until now. There is of corse, some very private and sensitive issues in here. But what the hell:

They say you never look as good as your wedding day.
Well, I plan to change that.
I spent my wedding day, and the months leading up to it, dieting like crazy to simply avoid putting on weight.
I am not a massive overeater, I am not lazy and opposed to physical exercise, I am however, a drug addict. I take 20mg of Aropax a day and have done for a little over a year. During this time I have gained approximately 15 Kgs.
I am 5”2.

18 months ago I started to suffer from panic attacks. I was seriously ill as a consequence and after trying all manner of natural therapies, I can honestly say that Aropax saved my life. But the time has come where it is doing me more harm than good. I am scatty, my emotions are quite dulled, I don’t really feel raw emotion anymore, which I crave. My libido has suffered dramatically and my physical wellbeing has been harmed. So, today I embark on this journal journey. I am hoping I can document my Aropax withdrawals and successfully kick the nasty little pills…. Oh and returned to my buffed little self too.

So, today is day 4 for me at dropping my dose from 20mg to 15mg. So far so good. I have suffered aropax withdrawal before. It was nightmarish to say the least.
Head spins, dizziness, nausea, extreme displacement, crying uncontrollably. Yucky. I virtually couldn’t function. This time, I am tapering my doses. Very gradually cutting down until I can stop them completely and not be sick from stopping them.
So here goes, wish me luck.

Day 6 … I think. 15mg (12/01/05)

Well, today is roughly day 6 of my ¾ dose of Aropax. Whoa, I am seriously dizzy this morning. The head spins have started, or should I call them head zaps. It’s altogether too familiar, but I have every intention on persisting. I think that by day 10 or so, I should be able to start tapering down to ½ (10mg). Fingers crossed, it’s not too bad. Am surviving. Oh and forgot to mention have had diarrhoea and reflux (vomit in my mouth) quite a lot yesterday and so far today. Lets just say day 5-6 presents upset digestive system. Yep, feeling headachy and nauseous. Have read that taking Vitamin B (B12 specifically) is very beneficial during withdrawal. Also to drink lots of water. Will resolve to do these things, even though I know that I am very thirsty of late.Stomache cramps are bad today. I guess I will get used to them. I also read on a quit paxil website that chocolate helps withdrawal symptoms as it triggers something, yay for that!

Becoming me again

2005-02-04T12:47:00.000+10:30

Well, this is my very first ever blog. Daunting and yet gratifying.
Just a little word to any of those cyber wierdo's out there to stay away from my thoughts. They're mine and you should only be reading them if I invite you to.

Anyway, this little site is going to mark my journey to self discovery. Sounds quite poxy I know, but I think it's going to be therapeutic, for me at least.
It's going to document my withdrawal from the prescription drug Aropax and also a possible weight loss journey (fingers crossed). And who knows, I may share this space with others who are going through similar nasties.
Anyway, Iam going to get to setting up my blog now.
Ciao.