Wednesday, July 08, 2009

4 Years Later...

Wow, I accidentally stumbled on my old blog- this blog all this time later. I've read it. Re familiarized myself with my old life and basically spun myself out more than a little bit on how far I have come!
I felt the need to comment on this, but also to update you on what has transpired. I can see now, that my past blogs were rather intense, yes, I am still a very intense person, so I figured if I was so in depth then, I should continue the tradition. I don't think I know anyone who would check this blog anymore, my audience are literally virtual strangers now.
I have always felt the need to express my thoughts so here goes:

Today, now, several years later, I am 30 years of age. I work in the same line of business, but I have a job I like now (most days). I still suffer from mild anxiety and occasional depression, but I am still free from any medication and I manage it as best I can. I still manage to largely live a normal life.

I am now divorced, I live on the coast in NSW, leaving my husband and the QLD experience far behind. Obviously, that meant my life changed enormously, but I still feel for the better.
I am lonely though a lot of the time, but it's my choice to be alone and to find myself. I believe when I am single, alone and totally happy with that, then I will be ready for the right person to come into my life. I'm still waiting.

I live in a beautiful home I bought all by myself with my own blood sweat and tears. I have built a whole new life for myself after leaving QLD and most of the time I am happy.
I still find it very hard to form attachments and connections with people. I'm now the girl that everyone thinks is fun and outgoing, but I just don't get close to people anymore. I think that's just a repercussion of a messy divorce and having to start my life over so many times.
Throughout the divorce, I very nearly lost the plot a few times. But I can say that I manged to survive that period without going back onto any drugs. So it can be done if the will to survive is strong enough.

I work hard, play hard, although I feel now that I am 30 I need to start acting my age. I've started going out less and less and try to follow persuits that are more gentle on the body and spirit. I managed to loose all of the weight, but only after I left a bad marriage and started to rebuild my life. I now go to the gym 3-6 times a week, depending on what else is going on and try to replace the bottle with healthy habbits. It doesn't always work and I definately still drink to much. But thats survival to me somedays.

Something in me has changed. I now tackle my fears instead of cowering from them. For example, I always wanted to sing, but suffer terrible anxiety and produce some freakish barely audiable sound most of the time.
I took myself to a local pub when I first moved down here (by myself) and started singing Karaoke. It was there I was able to form the bridges to build my self esteem again. I also met a guy who turned out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but thats all part of the journey too and probably best left unsaid. From there, I was able to start singing, the huge purr in my chest and massive axiety got less and less as my confidence grew. I think started auditioning for local theatre groups and have done a few musical productions. Let me tell you, THAT is total shitting yourself material! I just get so damn nervous. But I have proved to myself I can do it.

So now, thats how I live my life. If I am frightened of it, I try to embrace it.
Yes, I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am so determined not to let it get the better of me. I choose Life here.

I am glad I have rediscovered this blog of mine. I will probably start writing again, I've missed it.
I don't care what people say or think of me, but I will read your comments if you leave them.
This year, right now, I am facing the challenge of loosing my father to cancer. He is running out of time and I am trying so hard to keep it together. So the journey continues for me, I'm just not sure where the path leads.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there

After reading yourt blogs i feel heaps better. i am 30 single and very self sufficent like you with my own place i love the gym my friends and family. I love to sing it makes me happy andi wished i had the confidence to pursue a career when i was younger.

I have been off my aropax for 2 weeks and two days after being on them for 8 years. These past few wees have been awful with the withdrawals. i started slow, then lasted a week then i thought why not 2 and i just want to be off them completely. It got so bad today i had to take half a tablet the headaches are awful.

I plan to keep strong and stay off its just hard when i have so much else going on and i feel i am not even here some days. So i will fight through the pain and hopefully come out the other end.

I no i will still suffer anxiety and depression but i will have to cope with it without drugs even though they have been great whilst on them. I just don't want them in my system anymore..

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am living with my beautiful wife that is on 25mg of Aropax...she will be going off in January 2010...reading all the blogs makes me realize i will need a lot of patience to help her 'ween' do you make it now?

3:18 AM  

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