Wednesday, July 08, 2009

4 Years Later...

Wow, I accidentally stumbled on my old blog- this blog all this time later. I've read it. Re familiarized myself with my old life and basically spun myself out more than a little bit on how far I have come!
I felt the need to comment on this, but also to update you on what has transpired. I can see now, that my past blogs were rather intense, yes, I am still a very intense person, so I figured if I was so in depth then, I should continue the tradition. I don't think I know anyone who would check this blog anymore, my audience are literally virtual strangers now.
I have always felt the need to express my thoughts so here goes:

Today, now, several years later, I am 30 years of age. I work in the same line of business, but I have a job I like now (most days). I still suffer from mild anxiety and occasional depression, but I am still free from any medication and I manage it as best I can. I still manage to largely live a normal life.

I am now divorced, I live on the coast in NSW, leaving my husband and the QLD experience far behind. Obviously, that meant my life changed enormously, but I still feel for the better.
I am lonely though a lot of the time, but it's my choice to be alone and to find myself. I believe when I am single, alone and totally happy with that, then I will be ready for the right person to come into my life. I'm still waiting.

I live in a beautiful home I bought all by myself with my own blood sweat and tears. I have built a whole new life for myself after leaving QLD and most of the time I am happy.
I still find it very hard to form attachments and connections with people. I'm now the girl that everyone thinks is fun and outgoing, but I just don't get close to people anymore. I think that's just a repercussion of a messy divorce and having to start my life over so many times.
Throughout the divorce, I very nearly lost the plot a few times. But I can say that I manged to survive that period without going back onto any drugs. So it can be done if the will to survive is strong enough.

I work hard, play hard, although I feel now that I am 30 I need to start acting my age. I've started going out less and less and try to follow persuits that are more gentle on the body and spirit. I managed to loose all of the weight, but only after I left a bad marriage and started to rebuild my life. I now go to the gym 3-6 times a week, depending on what else is going on and try to replace the bottle with healthy habbits. It doesn't always work and I definately still drink to much. But thats survival to me somedays.

Something in me has changed. I now tackle my fears instead of cowering from them. For example, I always wanted to sing, but suffer terrible anxiety and produce some freakish barely audiable sound most of the time.
I took myself to a local pub when I first moved down here (by myself) and started singing Karaoke. It was there I was able to form the bridges to build my self esteem again. I also met a guy who turned out to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but thats all part of the journey too and probably best left unsaid. From there, I was able to start singing, the huge purr in my chest and massive axiety got less and less as my confidence grew. I think started auditioning for local theatre groups and have done a few musical productions. Let me tell you, THAT is total shitting yourself material! I just get so damn nervous. But I have proved to myself I can do it.

So now, thats how I live my life. If I am frightened of it, I try to embrace it.
Yes, I still suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am so determined not to let it get the better of me. I choose Life here.

I am glad I have rediscovered this blog of mine. I will probably start writing again, I've missed it.
I don't care what people say or think of me, but I will read your comments if you leave them.
This year, right now, I am facing the challenge of loosing my father to cancer. He is running out of time and I am trying so hard to keep it together. So the journey continues for me, I'm just not sure where the path leads.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Signing off

Well, this is goodbye to the existance I have lived in this chair, looking at this computer, in this building, town, city, state. YEAH BABY!

Today is my last day here and I am jumping for joy I tells ya.

It's odd that this part of my life has come to an end. I told my love yesterday that I really wished things had worked out for us here.
But they didn't, no use crying over spilt milk as they say.

So off I go to seek new adventures. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure when I will write again, because as of today I am an unemployed bum.

Goodbye Canberra.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

It's only 1 week to go until I finish up at my job, YAY! I am so damn excited. Can't wait.
I realized that I will not be blogging for a little while after this, so I must endeavour to add as many entries as I can over the next week - Bring on the blog therapy!

Theres a couple of things I wanted to raise in this blog:

Firstly I wanted to refer to an article I read this morning in the Financial Review entitled "The Challenge of Post-materialism", by Richard Eckersley.
Essentially this article states : "we live in the happiest, healthiest and most peaceful era in human history". And if now was good, it argued, the future would be even better. The belief that we live in the best of all times has been most famously and controversially articulated in recent years by Danish academic Bjorn Lomborg in his 2001 book The Skeptical Environmentalist: Measuring the real state of the world. That we live in such a "blessed" era is usually credited to material prosperity resulting from economic growth. "

Obviously, the Australian government believes wholly and completely that if we are to prosper and be a happy peaceful nation we need to assert our economic dominance.

I find this argument to be flawed. Firstly, I think it is extremely ignorant to assume that economic wealth automatically brings happiness and peace.
Secondly I do not agree that we are living in the happiest, healthiest and peaceful time.
Depression is at an all time high, health issues are constantly arising that reflect the stresses and pollutants we are subject to everyday, such as Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. As for peace? Please. I have never heard such crap.

Interesting though, that someone would see this as being a time of peace, prosperity and happiness. Are they just predicting the inevitable revoloution? Do they know our time is running out?

What do you think?

I forget what the second Blog issue was... damn my memory!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Moving right along

Well, things are really starting to happen with our move. We spent the first part of the weekend visiting my Dad. As usual, this was not a perfect visit. I do love my Dad, but he is an alcoholic and spent most of it pissed.
I actually got really upset because we all went to a bbq and left in seperate cars. I took Bill, my brother and Dad and Scott left in Dad's car. They turned up 3 hours later, drunker.
Dad couldn't understand why I was upset. I told him it was his last opportunity to spend time with me for a while and he chose to go to the pub instead.
I lay on the couch pretenting to watch a movie with my brother, just trying to hide the tears from falling. Years of having this sort of relationship with my Dad doesn't make it any easier and it all came flooding back to me, like I was a child again.

Anyway, I have no doubts that he has forgotten it, but he felt really bad and told me I was right. He confessed to being a terrible father, but said he loves me like mad.

The irony of this is amazing. A drunken confession of love and neglect can't make up for the lost years, and yet how can I keep my love from him? I can't change him. I just have to accept him. I have struggled for years with this.

Anyway, enough about that. My blog is turning into emotional guff.

I have to book my ticket to Brisbane today. For some reason I have been putting this off. I suppose it's just the finality of it all.
I'm also really nervous about arriving there without Scott. I'll be there for days by myself.
Despite my promise to stress less, I am a stress ball!!!
Some things will never change.

On a lighter note, I am going to be a bridesmaid! yay! my best friend Emma is getting married. Am so excited because she is awesome and he is awesome and that's just what you want for your friends. Just wish I could see her more often.

Must plot to be rich.... very very rich indeed... so I can fly everywhere and see everyone and do everything!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

You know what? I really hate fucking Microsoft.
I know that's quite a harsh statement from such a sweet little girl such as myself, but I really do.
No sooner had I finished my last blog entry It decided to crash once again. Now I have to try to replicate the thousand something words and raw emotion I was feeling at the time at another time.

Damn you Microsoft. You have us bloggers by the balls and you don't care who knows it.

Whose there?

Yesterday, I was broken into.
Shit the fuck. It totally sucks. The ironic thing is it appears they/he/she didn't actually take anything. I don't even think things were moved or ruffled.
I came home and had a normal evening by myself, Scott was doing his last trip away before we move. I watched some TV, drank some wine, did the usual. I decided to go to bed and that's when I found it. The blinds looked ruffled. Now Canberra is very bloody cold, so I thought I should shut the window.
Low and behold, the window was smashed in a nice neat little rectangle (just big enough to fit a hand through) right next to the latch. The window was open. The window was closed when I left for work. The flyscreen was seriously broken and on the other side of the yard and there was a mallet next to the window.
Now, having been a person who suffered from anxiety and panic attacks I was suprisingly calm.
Had it just happened? I don't think so, surely I would have heard it...
I called the cops and did a report. They didn't send anyone out because it had appeared they had not taken anything, so could not prove they had been in our house. This frustrates me somewhat as clearly the window had been broken with a mallet and it was open. This implies someone had been in and poked around my house.
I think the saving grace was the fact that both front and back doors were dead-bolted so they could not escape with anything unless it was through the same window.

I'm quite angry. Angry that someone would just do that. Did they actually come into my house? Look at my pictures? Is all of my underwear still there? Did they jizz on my bed?

I'm trying not to think the worst, but these are some thoughts running through my head.
I didn't sleep at home last night. I stayed with my mate Ben (god love ya Ben).

Anyway, definately a new experience for me and one I do not wish to duplicate ever again.
So, Scott will be home tonight on my request. Then I will feel safe and warm again.

I tell you, when you don't feel safe in your own house something is really very wrong.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Stupid Angry so Mad Argh!

ok, for once, this entry is not about me.
Now, we all know I have alot of free time at work... and generally I try to use this time to keep me from going insane.
I have been researching and discovering the absoloute totalitarian bull-shit attitude of man, specifically, western society towards the fellow creatures that walk this earth and in truth, I am ashamed to be human.
Now, without going into the numerous practices that we humans inflict on the various creatures and critters of the world because we can, I think it's really important to note that I am not a "hippy" and I don't often get involved in causes I see as being futile, so please read on.

I do think the time has come for each and every person to take control of the situation and put an end to the abominable treatment of our "meat". I believe it's our responsibility to do so.

Firstly, I would like to argue that we cannot all be vegetarians and I am not offering this as a soloution. It's just not ever going to happen. I do agree that we eat far too much meat as a society but I am in no way advocating the abolition of meat on our menues.

Having said that, my cause is about how we treat the animals while they are alive. If you were to be given figures of just how many animals we breed and kill all for the purposes of food, you would cringe. I wonder if any other society in the history of the world and universe has had such blatant disregard for life?

If you are at all interested in the topic, I suggest you check out this website. It's nothing over the top, nothing excessively gory, it's just fact and it's something everyone should see for themselves. You have a responsibility to be accountable here.

I also refer to this article regarding Australia resuming live animal trade with Kuwait. Anyone who has not been living under a rock in Australia knows what happend to more than 50,000 sheep on route to Saudi Arabia onboard the Cormo Express. People were outraged. Why? because it was all over the news, they couldn't avoid it, or ignore it, or pretend it wasn't happening. I see this to be the foremost issue regarding meat production- People just don't want to know, they want to happily eat their roast and not think about it.

My most horrific experience in my research of meat production has been the issue of intensive farming, prodominantly pigs. I am revolted by the concept and absoloutly dumbfounded that it occurs. Almost all pork products you buy are intensively farmed. These animals are kept in cages so small they cannot move, cannot see daylight or fresh air or feel the soil and most importantly, they cannot be allowed to live as pigs.
For those of you who think pigs are just animals, your right. But they can think and feel and have been proven to be extremely intelligent, some even suggest they surpass dogs in intellect and ability to feel emotion.

I argue that even if they are just dumb pigs, they deserve to live as dumb pigs and not have a life of torture and abuse in the quest for cheaper meat.

What I propose are small changes for individuals.
Do not buy pork unless it has been certified organic.
Do not buy chicken unless it's marked as free-range (available at supermarkets)
Do not buy battery hen eggs (supermarkets)
Do not turn away from this issue. We are the only people who are able to change this.

We are the consumers.

We hold the power.

I know I can't change the world, but I can get fucking angry and try.
I am so so sad.

And Again...

It's been a good week since I have been here on this little jo world. Not a great deal has happened. The situation seems to be in hand with the move.... I am going to be leaving and arriving in Brisbane in exactly 3 weeks today. Scott has been great, really taken control of the situation and has organized most things.
I'm flying up a few days before he will arrive, that will be a little strange, I must admit.
"Hi my husbands parents, here I live with you...hope you don't hate me too soon for my numerous quirky habbits" ahh I dunno.

I have come to the conclusion that I stress far too much. Must learn to stress less.
From now on, I am total chill out Jo who doesn't care much about anything. I am going to be un-employed in 2.5 weeks and I don't care!
I am moving in with virtual strangers who are family and it's all good!

Are you convinced yet?

Monday, March 07, 2005

What a shite weekend. Really. Started off fine, the final lazy weekend my husband and I could enjoy together before the moving business starts, you know, visiting family, packing, cleaning- that sort of thing. Friday night was cool, had a few drinks and watched some TV. Sat was nice, it was really cold and I just wanted to stay in, so we did. I decided I wanted to go out on Saturday night to see a band I liked. We tried to get some friends to come with us, but as usual, no one could come. We were cooking dinner and we'd had a few drinks when Scott decided to have some smoke. Stupidly I thought it might be fun. It was horrible. I hardly had any, but it sent me into a fully fledged panic attack. So there I was, convulsing uncontrollably in bed wacked from wine, J and the sedative I have to take to stop my heart from leaping out of my chest. I fell asleep at 8.30. I woke up sunday feeling awful. I feel awful still today.

I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I admit I am concerned. Maybe it's the left-overs from that experience or something a little more sinister. I don't know if I express it in my blog (which I DONT write in everyday) but I am up and down like a lunatic. It's been a little over 3 weeks since I have been Aropax free, sometimes I feel great, sometimes quite the opposite.
I am worried that I am now depressed. I find it really hard to wake up, I cry at the drop of a hat, I anger easily (especially at my poor husband). I have cried twice this morning already, and it's not even 10am. The first time was some arsehole who decided to cut me off driving and gave ME the finger!!! Psycho. The second was after having a brief conversation with Scott, in which I told him I feel so stressed I just want to go and stay with my Mum until we decide to move.
And the move... why all of a sudden am I panicked at the thought? Why can't I just be positive.
I know there's alot of changes going on for me but my question is now that the drug haze has lifted and I am left with my real true feelings, am I infact depressed? Do I now need to take Prozac? I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life like this... I won't be able to cope with anything much. I have worked so fucking hard to be rid of drugs, only to find that I need another?

This is crazy......