Becoming me again: 2005-01-30

Now

Well, that brings us to now.
I haven't been sincere with you blog world... there is much I have omitted and much I should have said... but we'll leave that for another time.

Here are some bits from my journal this morning:

WOW- It’s really been some time since I have written here. A little over 2 weeks.
Let me fill you in on what’s been happening. Chaos. Absolute chaos. In my mind and my body. But I AM making real progress.
Since I last wrote, almost immediately, I had 3 days off work. I was quite ill, mostly with the head zaps and dizziness, but also with emotion. The emotional side effects had started, even though I wasn’t all that aware of them at the time.
I had successfully cut down to 10mg, and up until 3 days ago, was quite stable on it.
Today is Friday. On Wednesday, I took 7.5 mg. Yes, I actually managed to cut a quarter of a pill in half! Astonishing!!
I was fine, so yesterday I took 5mg. A small amount of head spinning, but nothing in comparison to what I went through earlier. I am however, quite sensitive to sounds, to noises that seem to burrow through my head and it’s almost like pain. Very weird. Seems to hit me at night time when I am tired though.
This morning, another 5mg, so far so good. Am so excited at the prospect that I have successfully weened down to 5mg, knowing it’s not far from here.
Physically, I am actually doing pretty good. I have a little toilet issue, and a headache, but I can easily attribute that to the wine I drank last night.

Now, to elaborate on what things have been going on in my head. This week in particular has been tough. I have been so very depressed, feeling like why should I bother, and seriously having issues with just about everything. Poor Scott (husband) bore the brunt of a lot of it. And It’s like I am starting to feel again. I don’t feel as tired and wishy washy about things, I am feeling emotions I have not felt for some time.

Last night I turned a corner I think. I stopped wanting to blame everyone and everything else around me and realized that I am a strong person, I can do anything I want

Anyway, I will continue with my 5mg dose over the weekend and then go for 0 next week. If I suffer withdrawals, I know I can always cut my 5mg in half (or close enough!) Apparently the last 5mg is the hardest, but for me I think it will be the easiest. I have already made up my mind to succeed and in my mind, I am already there. Talk to you on Monday.

Day 12

Day 12 15mg (18/01/05)

Well, you really notice the difference between 10mg and 15mg. I am all over the shop again this morning. Very irritable, VERY dizzy. Hopefully this won’t last all day. Had some crazy ass dreams last night. I forgot how vivid and scary your dreams are when you’re on withdrawal. There was some kind of dog like creature trying to kill me. God it was frightening. And the worst thing is that your so out of it with tiredness and zonked out, that you can’t wake yourself up enough to stop the dreams. Going to get another coffee…..am so tired.

Day 11

Day 11 10mg (17/01/05)
Well, here we go again. So not looking forward to this…back to 10mg for a day. Hope I can cope. All seems ok so far.

Day 10

Day 10 15mg (16/01/05)
Not so bad today. A little tired and cranky, but ok. Had flu symptoms by 10am in the morning, felt so ill. Took some Echinacea and felt quite a bit better.

Day 9 15mg

Stinking hot day, was very ill, head spins were insane, felt at times that I had a fever

Day 8 (Edited Version)

Wow, major dizziness this morning. Am feeling very crap. Have been to the loo 4 times already. Not good. My poor ass. Hopefully bumping back up to 15mg today will make me feel better. Will go for 10mg either tomorrow or the next day and just gradually keep alternating until I am on that dose.

God, it’s almost 2pm and I feel just awful. And I have a job interview at 4pm. Why do I do this to myself. As part of my psycho personality at the moment, I totally cracked it at work yesterday and decided to apply for a job where they need someone ASAP. Of corse, this is very unwise as I am barely comprehendible today and I am sure it’s only the beginning of this horrid process. How can I have days off when I am sick in a new job, which requires me to be alert and busy?
Maureen (colleague at work) pointed out that I would probably cope better at work if I were busy. God I hope she is right.Another 3 trips to the toilet since this morning and just took some aspirin for my head.

Day 7

Day 7- 10mg (13/01/05)
Well, I felt better today, so I decided to go for half a pill. 10 mg. It was pretty much an ok day. Got really frustrated at work, and decided to apply for other jobs, found myself very angry. No massive head spins, lots of toilet trips though. Another early night.

Now for some history

This is my diary.... it's sort of kept me sane up until now. There is of corse, some very private and sensitive issues in here. But what the hell:

They say you never look as good as your wedding day.
Well, I plan to change that.
I spent my wedding day, and the months leading up to it, dieting like crazy to simply avoid putting on weight.
I am not a massive overeater, I am not lazy and opposed to physical exercise, I am however, a drug addict. I take 20mg of Aropax a day and have done for a little over a year. During this time I have gained approximately 15 Kgs.
I am 5”2.

18 months ago I started to suffer from panic attacks. I was seriously ill as a consequence and after trying all manner of natural therapies, I can honestly say that Aropax saved my life. But the time has come where it is doing me more harm than good. I am scatty, my emotions are quite dulled, I don’t really feel raw emotion anymore, which I crave. My libido has suffered dramatically and my physical wellbeing has been harmed. So, today I embark on this journal journey. I am hoping I can document my Aropax withdrawals and successfully kick the nasty little pills…. Oh and returned to my buffed little self too.

So, today is day 4 for me at dropping my dose from 20mg to 15mg. So far so good. I have suffered aropax withdrawal before. It was nightmarish to say the least.
Head spins, dizziness, nausea, extreme displacement, crying uncontrollably. Yucky. I virtually couldn’t function. This time, I am tapering my doses. Very gradually cutting down until I can stop them completely and not be sick from stopping them.
So here goes, wish me luck.

Day 6 … I think. 15mg (12/01/05)

Well, today is roughly day 6 of my ¾ dose of Aropax. Whoa, I am seriously dizzy this morning. The head spins have started, or should I call them head zaps. It’s altogether too familiar, but I have every intention on persisting. I think that by day 10 or so, I should be able to start tapering down to ½ (10mg). Fingers crossed, it’s not too bad. Am surviving. Oh and forgot to mention have had diarrhoea and reflux (vomit in my mouth) quite a lot yesterday and so far today. Lets just say day 5-6 presents upset digestive system. Yep, feeling headachy and nauseous. Have read that taking Vitamin B (B12 specifically) is very beneficial during withdrawal. Also to drink lots of water. Will resolve to do these things, even though I know that I am very thirsty of late.Stomache cramps are bad today. I guess I will get used to them. I also read on a quit paxil website that chocolate helps withdrawal symptoms as it triggers something, yay for that!