Monday, March 07, 2005

What a shite weekend. Really. Started off fine, the final lazy weekend my husband and I could enjoy together before the moving business starts, you know, visiting family, packing, cleaning- that sort of thing. Friday night was cool, had a few drinks and watched some TV. Sat was nice, it was really cold and I just wanted to stay in, so we did. I decided I wanted to go out on Saturday night to see a band I liked. We tried to get some friends to come with us, but as usual, no one could come. We were cooking dinner and we'd had a few drinks when Scott decided to have some smoke. Stupidly I thought it might be fun. It was horrible. I hardly had any, but it sent me into a fully fledged panic attack. So there I was, convulsing uncontrollably in bed wacked from wine, J and the sedative I have to take to stop my heart from leaping out of my chest. I fell asleep at 8.30. I woke up sunday feeling awful. I feel awful still today.

I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I admit I am concerned. Maybe it's the left-overs from that experience or something a little more sinister. I don't know if I express it in my blog (which I DONT write in everyday) but I am up and down like a lunatic. It's been a little over 3 weeks since I have been Aropax free, sometimes I feel great, sometimes quite the opposite.
I am worried that I am now depressed. I find it really hard to wake up, I cry at the drop of a hat, I anger easily (especially at my poor husband). I have cried twice this morning already, and it's not even 10am. The first time was some arsehole who decided to cut me off driving and gave ME the finger!!! Psycho. The second was after having a brief conversation with Scott, in which I told him I feel so stressed I just want to go and stay with my Mum until we decide to move.
And the move... why all of a sudden am I panicked at the thought? Why can't I just be positive.
I know there's alot of changes going on for me but my question is now that the drug haze has lifted and I am left with my real true feelings, am I infact depressed? Do I now need to take Prozac? I just don't know what to do. I can't live my life like this... I won't be able to cope with anything much. I have worked so fucking hard to be rid of drugs, only to find that I need another?

This is crazy......


Anonymous Theo-rio-underdaks said...

I only just found this page cos Hammy was very humble and linked your lovely post about him.

He sure does love you, but you don't need an old melb friend to tell you that.

Say hi to Scott for me plz. And give yourself a big hug from me too.

4:44 PM  

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