Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Go away

Oh God, I can't do a fucking thing right today. Does anyone else wanna have a go at me?

Today is Tuesday, I had yesterday off as I mentioned, because I suspected my withdrawal was going to hit me over the weekend... and it did.
It wasn't so bad, but I did become quite anxious at times which frightened the hell out of me.
We didn't have to go anywhere or do much this weekend, so it was a good thing. My head zaps have basically stopped but only to be replaced by visual disturbances. My vision keeps jumping and I am seeing things out of the corner of my eyes that are not there. I find this particularly interesting as I was not a fruit loop before I took the meds.

Am feeling like the world is closing in on me and the fact that it should have been my oyster is quite self destroying. I am so tired of people telling me "Chin up" or "just think positive" when the fact of the matter is thinking positive has gotten me here today. It's not a choice I can make and have it happen, it's not a switch I can just flick and all of a sudden I'm some fucking stepford wife. Life doesn't work like that.

Moreover, I am learning that people who I thought were my friends don't actually want to know about this. After all this, I finally realize that they don't care.. They only care when things are good and you can get them to laugh. How many of you, my "friends" have I sent this to, NOT out of self-indulgence, or want of self pity, but out of humiliation and the need to explain my actions and why I am the way that I am. How many of you actually want to see this? How many of you will actually read this and come to understand a little more? I estimate one at most. I am a much sadder girl than I had realized.


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